Oh Hello! It's me, SureEyes

Transcript

SureEyes: [00:00:00] you're listening to quintessentially mental a podcast hosted by SureEyes. Please note that this host is not a mental health practitioner or professional, and this podcast is not made for treatment of any mental illness. 

[00:00:25] Spudcaster: [00:00:25] Quintessentially Mental: the podcast is produced and hosted by Spudcaster for Baobulb.org.

[00:00:33] SureEyes: [00:00:33] Welcome, welcome, welcome. A podcast focussed on mental health and mental health journeys and stories. Um, we're hoping that, or I'm hoping that this podcast, you know, helps to de stigmatize mental health. You know, we, we create a space to talk about our main goal, health struggles, celebrations, achievements, journeys, um, all of these different things that allow us to be more functional as mentally healthy people.

[00:01:16] Um, I guess I wanted to start this as a podcast that hopes to, you know, as I said, normalize the conversation around mental health and the way I was hoping to do this, is not only by sharing my story, but about also inviting guests onto my show, um, where we were able to talk about different topics regarding mental health.

[00:01:44] We, um, You know, we can actually just open up the dialogue. We can actually just open up the conversation. Um, I am a 34 year old mom, a new mom. Um, my son is still very young, um, and I've, I've battled mental health and mental illness probably from the time I was about 11 years old. Um, well at least that's when I think it started, I was only formally diagnosed when I was 26 or 27.

[00:02:24] And I've had a number of, you know, additional diagnosis and re diagnosis. You know, mental health is one of these things, we almost feel like if we talk about it, we're admitting our inadequacy, we're admitting our inability. We're admitting that we're not capable. We're admitting that we don't function.

[00:02:49] And while these things might be true. For split seconds or very brief moment in time periodically through our lives. It's not necessarily who we are. It's not necessarily what defines us. It's not necessarily, you know, the thing that makes us who we are. Um, And so I hope that by, by following and listening and engaging in these conversations, that we, we start realizing that talking about our mental health should be as normal as saying I'm just not feeling well today.

[00:03:30] And it happens to be not visible. Um, so yeah, that's, that's just a brief introduction. I'm very excited to be on this journey with you. Um, when I was approached by Candice Nolan from Baobulb, I was very excited me I like talking and to talk about something that I'm very passionate about and something that affects me directly, you know, I don't

[00:04:02] I don't always believe in, you know, offering opinions on things I don't know about. Um, but I think that this is, this is an important part of who I am. Um, or where I've come from on my journey. Um, so just to give you a bit of background on myself, I have been diagnosed primarily with borderline personality disorder.

[00:04:31] Apparently this is one of the more difficult illnesses to diagnose because it's only something that can really be observed over a period. A prolonged period of time. Um, it was suspected that I had BPD probably in 2016, um, and then only, you know, properly diagnosed towards the end of 2016. And having that diagnosis confirmed, um, in about 2017.

[00:05:04] Um, it was, it, wasn't an, I guess this is the way all of my diagnoses have come about. And I guess I was lucky in that I had, um, quite matured in their career, um, mental health professionals working with me and it was never a case of you are a borderline personality disorder sufferer, or you are

[00:05:32] you have bipolar or you have, you know, a substance induced mood disorder or you have, you know, it was more a case of, you know, these behaviors that you're displaying are evidence of a type of illness that many people struggle with. So it was more a case of these, these behaviors, these, these things that we are identifying with you have also been identified with this thing that we call borderline personality disorder, as an example.

[00:06:09] And I think one of, you know, what resonated with me when I, when I received the first diagnosis, I guess my first diagnosis was major depressive disorder. This was back in 2014 where I'd suffered quite a humiliating, quite public nervous breakdown. Um, I'd gone through quite an intense relationship and breakup.

[00:06:40] This was a guy I dated on and off for eight years, probably at a very significant and critical point in my development. I'd met him when I was 18, my first year of university. And, um, we were each other's proverbially, you know, first loves it was quite an intense relationship. I think, you know, Me having come out of a mold that I felt I was forced into, you know, where I was in high school as a straight A student, I was head girl.

[00:07:19] I was, um, You know, achieving from a sports perspective, from a cultural perspective, um, I was very, uh, involved in school, had, you know, great friends. And when I left school, I almost felt like is this who I was forced to be, or is this who I am? And I just went off on a tangent, I guess, a rebellious tangent, um, where I was partying a lot.

[00:07:49] I was drinking a lot. I was smoking. I was, I wasn't exercising. I, you know, I felt like I needed to break the mold of what I had been in so far to figure out who I was or who I am. At that time I also met this guy who also had his own backstory as we all do, obviously, you know, so he comes from a mixed race background.

[00:08:18] Um, mum being Jewish dad being Xhosa, and also struggling with his identity and where he fit in. And, you know, both of us having I dunno, not the best or functional or healthiest relationships with our fathers, respectively. Um, these, these lack of relationships impacting us in different ways, um, and leading to quite a volatile intense

[00:08:51] relationship. I think, you know, obviously at that time, I didn't know that I had a mood disorder or that I had mental health or mental illness, um, mental health issues or mental illness. I didn't know. And, and so it was, you know, I love intensely. It was, I saw his behaviors as a reflection on me. I saw, you know, this was, this was a very significant relationship in my life and being my first serious boyfriend.

[00:09:27] Um, and obviously. Not as obvious to me, it's obvious now that I can look at it in hindsight, but you know, the going, going back, I can, I can kind of say, Ooh, this, this was, it was pretty fucking obvious that the wheels were going to fall off, you know, but when I was in it, when I was going through it, I didn't actually realize

[00:09:54] how unhealthy and how, you know, cliche toxic using that word that I think we throw around too easily. Um, you know, how bad for me this relationship was and how bad for him this relationship was. Um, and so I, you know, we, we broke up and we made up and we broke up and we made up and eventually after you know, having me having lived overseas, coming back and living together, we had, we had numerous cracks in our relationship as a result of our own individual

[00:10:34] mental health journeys that we were on blindly, not blindly. Um, and one of the things I really struggled with in our relationship was infidelity and cheating. And, you know, the fact that I had quite a fragile self esteem to begin with, um, Based on my own, you know, non-relationship with my father or strained relationship with my mom, or just the fact that my, my self esteem seemed to have been rooted in things external to me up until that point had been rooted in things external to me.

[00:11:12] And so the things that were happening in my relationship were quite, um, fragile to me, um, Where I had started drinking excessively. I had, um, you know, I, I was also very ashamed of the bouts of depression that I had been experiencing throughout my university career throughout my early working years. My early career years.

[00:11:41] I was very embarrassed because how can I, who seem to excel at everything I do, who seem to be so extroverted who seem to be so vivacious to, you know, seem to have a together from an external perspective, how could I possibly be struggling with things like anxiety or depression or, you know, trauma related responses or any of those things that created instability in myself as a human.

[00:12:10] And it eventually spiraled to a point where, um, I took an overdose of tablets and I still remember, you know, I still remember quite clearly. Going to the pharmacy trying to act normal. Like this was like, I wasn't thinking about taking 30 pills, you know, and laughing with the pharmacist and just kind of saying, yeah, you know, I just have these like muscle spasms and, you know, I need to find something that can help me deal with the pain and, you know, buying these tablets, knowing full well that I was going to go back to my room

[00:12:51] in our house that I was sharing with, with people who had become my friends, um, and just taking an insane amount of tablets. Um, the boyfriend that I was involved with, we had been broken up for a couple of months. I'd moved out of the place that we were sharing. Um, and he it's it's, it's not that I wanted him.

[00:13:19] I don't know, you know, this is, this is probably the first time that I'm talking about it as openly and publicly as I am, you know, but he was the first person that I spoke to and I said, look, this is what I've done. I've taken an abnormal amount of pills. Um, and of course he would think that it was attention seeking on my side.

[00:13:43] And I think for me, it was really. Being in so much emotional pain and being in so much. Yeah, just being in so much emotional pain that I just wanted the pain to stop. I just wanted to stop feeling I just wanted, and I wanted the person who had caused this pain in me to also feel pain. And so he took me to keep Mediclinic, um, where I couldn't find my medical aid card.

[00:14:16] They started treating me, um, they've given me activated charcoal because at that point, um, making me puke or pumping my stomach, wasn't an option. It was really now trying to deal with what was in my system. Um, Eventually, you know, he had called his mom who's also a practitioner or professional in the medical industry who to this day is a second mom to me.

[00:14:44] And, you know, seeing the look on their faces where, you know, I almost died, um, because of my own actions. And it was there. After that, I saw a psychiatrist for the first time. Um, having been in and out of therapy and in and out of psychological treatment for a number of years. Um, but having being referred to a psychiatrist, because this was now in layman's terms, you know, an attempted suicide.

[00:15:18] I spent the next week in bed, um, at my then ex boyfriend's mom's house. And you know, I barely ate, I barely slept. I barely showered. I barely spoke. I was completely dysfunctional and I think it had, it was crystal clear that I was either going to end up dead or needed to take steps to help myself get better.

[00:15:54] Um, And I remember my, my sec, my, you know, my, my, my ex's mom saying that hospital wasn't a choice. And even though I voluntarily admitted myself to Kenilworth clinic, um, It was, it was hard. It was really, really difficult. I think, admitting to myself that I wasn't healthy, that, you know, it reached a point where I was a danger to myself is really

[00:16:26] it's really a bitter pill to swallow. And I think, I think I'd been a danger to myself for some time leading up to that. While I might not have ended up in hospital, I was definitely, you know, doing very dangerous, very high-risk things that would, that would really, you know, that would really put me in danger, put my life in danger.

[00:16:54] And on reflection, you know, that first hospitalization was the best decision that I could have made. Um, I struggled to talk about, I remember being in group sessions where I struggled to talk about, um, What I had gone through, you know, when people asked, why are you here? It wasn't as easy for me to say, well, I went through a really bad breakup that really affected and impacted me to a point where I felt like I didn't want to live and I overdosed.

[00:17:31] I couldn't say that I was still finding language. I was still finding, understanding in myself. I was still. You know, I remember finding, you know, tools during my group and individual therapy sessions, finding tools that helped me understand myself a lot more and helped me understand where I'd come from and where I was in that, in that point, in that point in my life and finding that there were a lot of.

[00:18:03] It's like I can be angry. Wow. I can be angry and taking that anger to, you know, re embodying and feeling that anger. Um, and still, I hadn't found a comfort. You know, I remember when I was discharged from, from the three week program and one of my best friends picked me up from the hospital. And I remember being on this high, you know, this, Oh my gosh.

[00:18:35] So exciting. I'm healed. I'm healed. I am so like together. And you know, also thinking that I had arrived at a point of I will no longer experience the things that I experienced. Um, And so that was, that was a very critical and very pivotal time in my life. I, I was wow. Yeah, it, it was, it was the best decision I could've made for myself.

[00:19:10] And I think, you know, that was, that hospitalization happened in 2014. Um, Which is a number of years ago and it's taken since then for me to actually get comfortable in sharing my story and sharing my journey and sharing myself on a, on a mental health and mental illness level. And so as part of this podcast, I really wanted to

[00:19:41] provide a space where we can without judgment from others or ourselves share these things that we've gone through that have made us better human beings, um, that help us grow compassion for ourselves and others that help us become more empathetic towards ourselves and others. Um, that helps us become more patient.

[00:20:10] Um, and to help de-stigmatize something that, you know, I was one of the lucky ones. I didn't end up being buried by my family. I, I survived, I survived mental illness and I think, you know, a strong message for me is, or from me is that these things are treatable. These things are manageable. Um, so on that, that very light note, I hope that you will enjoy this, this journey of quintessentially mental with me and our guests.

[00:20:55] And I hope that even if it helps you have one conversation about where you are mentally. With one person. And even if that person is yourself, I feel like I would have achieved something. Darlings, take care of yourself. Look after yourself, love yourself, be kind to yourself. And I look forward to having, having more of these episodes with you. Take care. Toodles

[00:21:29] Spudcaster: [00:21:29] This podcast is produced and hosted by Spudcaster for Baobulb.org. 

[00:21:34] SureEyes: [00:21:34] You've been listening to quintessentially mental the podcast, hosted by SureEyes. Join us next week as we continue the conversation about mental health. And remember, we are always perfectly ourselves.

Disclaimer: The views expressed do not reflect those of baobulb.org