A Tale of Two Cities

Transcript

SureEyes: [00:00:00] You're listening to quintessentially mental a podcast hosted by SureEyes , please note that this host is not a mental health practitioner or professional, and this podcast is not made for treatment of any mental illness. 

[00:01:10] Hey, y'all this is quintessentially mental, the podcast, and I'm your host share eyes. Today's episode is titled a tale of two sisters, obviously. Inspired by a tale of two cities. If I think about the first line of that, or the first sentence of that book, if my memory, my memory doesn't fail me, you know, it goes, it was the best of times. It was the worst of times. And, and that sentence, you know, that, that opening line really sums up, I guess, the difference between my sister and I's experience.

[00:01:51] Growing up with our parents, um, we're five years apart. And so at each point in our early life, you know, we were almost an entire development phase ahead, or I was always a development phase ahead of her, um, eg. She was eight almost pre-teening and I was 13 entering my adolescence. You know, and, and that, that line, it was the best of times.

[00:02:20] It was the worst of times really reflects our experience of, of all our family, um, where, you know, I feel like I, I, I experienced the disintegration of my parents' marriage and that really affected me. Um, and she kind of lived through the aftermath of that. And so in this episode, we really want to dig into the experiences and influence of those experiences on our mental health.

[00:02:57] Of two sisters born of the same parents, um, who experienced different things. So stay tuned. 

[00:03:07]Spudcaster: [00:03:07] Baobulb.org is a podcasting platform and a medium for storytelling. This podcast is also available on all the major podcasting apps, including Apple and Google podcasts, podcast your life with baobulb.org ,

[00:03:23]SureEyes: [00:03:23] I guess, for you to truly understand the dynamics of my family. I need to give you a bit of history, bit have a bit of context. So I'm one of six kids that I know of. I say that because I would describe my father as a bit of a loose cannon. Um, Yeah. So I have an older brother who is a half-brother. So my mom's son, but not my father's son. Um, who's five years older than me, but I grew up with him as if he was a brother.

[00:04:01] Um, it's then myself, I am the oldest girl of both my parents. It has then my sister, who I referred to, um, she's five years younger than me and we share parents. Then we have another sister, who's technically a step sister, um, where it's my ex step mom. So my father's second ex-wife, um, her daughter and not my father's daughter.

[00:04:34] Then I have another sister who turns 13 this year. Um, again a half sister. So the said ex second ex-wife and my father's daughter. And then I've got a youngest daughter. I mean our youngest sister. And you see, even I get confused

[00:04:54] youngest sister who will be. Uh, seven this year. So my father is onto his third marriage, which is why, you know, um, we joke and say, this is the kids that we know of. Um, but yeah, so, so to give you a bit of insight, um, you know, during my, and my brother's kind of years coming up as kids and teenagers, we witnessed a lot of abuse.

[00:05:24] Um, Physical. Mental, emotional, psychological, um, which really obviously affected me. I didn't have a very good relationship with my father as I almost viewed it as how can you treat my mother like that? And I guess he struggled to separate his role as a father and his role as a husband. And so. The relationship between the two of us just integrated completely.

[00:06:00] And so by the time my parents got divorced. I was 18. Um, and my, my sister who's five years younger than me was only 13. Now during that time, you know, being my sister was, you know, the youngest at that time, the Apple of my father's eye. And so there was a lot of. I think intentional rift created between us where we, you know, we almost felt like competitors instead of sisters where we were almost pitted against each other, you know, who my birthday being forgotten and hers being, you know, having the greatest fanfare.

[00:06:46] And I think I never really felt resentment towards her. I think I was mostly confused, um, by, by this difference in the way that we were treated, but I know from her side, so whenever my, my father and I would fight, he would then change his attitude towards my sister, which would then create animosity between the two of us.

[00:07:12] And this went on for years. I then lift at the age of 18 to go down to Cape town, to study, um, leaving my mom and my sister. You know, to kind of figure life out and life was pretty rough for my sister. Um, things that I didn't really know about because I was so far away and I think that's something that, you know, really affected her and, uh, you know, it's something I hope to talk to her about in the next segment, you know, is me being away and not really understanding or being

[00:07:49] exposed to the challenges that she faced, that the, you know, the challenges that she and my mom faced and how that really affected her. So while my mental health was greatly influenced by the abuse that I saw the abandonment of my father, of our family and relationship, um, and just the constant rejection, you know, where he's said to me that I'm not his daughter.

[00:08:17] And so I really want to dig into, you know, how the two of us been born of the same DNA we're affected by these two people who went through different things at the different points in our, in our upbringing.

[00:08:32] Welcome back to quintessentially mental. I'm here with my sister Dayle. Um, what's up SIS. Hey, how are you?

[00:08:41] Dayle Rooskrantz: [00:08:41] I'm good. How are you?

[00:08:43]SureEyes: [00:08:43] I'm okay. Thanks for agreeing to chat to me. 

[00:08:45] Dayle Rooskrantz: [00:08:45] Well, I thought it was quite interesting that you did that. You actually asked me 

[00:08:49] SureEyes: [00:08:49] why? 

[00:08:50] Dayle Rooskrantz: [00:08:50] Um, I think it just challenged what I personally think about mental health 

[00:08:58] SureEyes: [00:08:58] In what way? 

[00:09:00] Dayle Rooskrantz: [00:09:00] So we always, well, we always see people with mental health problems as they not really, as we, because we all experienced them.

[00:09:10] SureEyes: [00:09:10] Okay. So earlier on, in the episode, I spoke a bit about how, you know, we're five years apart. And so my experience of my childhood, we, our parents were still married versus your experience of childhood and adolescence where things had broken down, um, was very different. And so it's interesting that you say that you see it as they, when did you realize you were part of the we?

[00:09:39]Dayle Rooskrantz: [00:09:39] um, it's actually quite recent. Uh, I think that the older I get, the more I reflect on my childhood and my upbringing, so that I can sort of realize where I need to adjust myself as a person, because I do want to be a balanced, stable. Emotionally aware, conscious human being and to be able to.

[00:10:07] Break cycles. I need to go back deep into my upbringing and my experiences with both my parents and the more I look at it on not only internally, but externally looking at other people, everybody is they, everybody is we. Yes,

[00:10:32] exactly. Everybody faces a level of, um, Mental challenges. I think that the difference between the they and the we is that they are people who are conscious of it and who are actively taking steps not to correct it, but to get it under control.

[00:10:51]SureEyes: [00:10:51] Yeah. I mean, we speak quite often about this. Like, I don't really think that it goes away.

[00:10:57] I'm just like, no, I see you. I see you rearing your, your head and then maybe I don't, you know, react as much as I used to, or maybe it doesn't affect me for as long as it used to, but let's go, like let's go into, so I speak a bit about how my upbringing kind of. More. So from my experience with our father, then our mother, like I only realized I had issues from my maternal relationship later on in my life versus realizing my paternal kind of issues.

[00:11:35] Um, if you could like highlight the three things that you maybe struggle with from a mental health perspective that you can see, okay, this is a direct. Uh, this is directly from my upbringing. This is like a direct result of my upbringing. And, you know, maybe just say what those things are and you know, how they affect you.

[00:12:03] And when you, when you made the link that, Oh, it's because of this thing that happened when I was a kid that is now affecting me as an adult. 

[00:12:13] Dayle Rooskrantz: [00:12:13] Okay. I think. The biggest thing for me has to be my level of aggression. I'm an extremely aggressive person, also in very you know situations that don't require such a high level of aggression.

[00:12:33] Um, I think I realized this. With my daughter. So my daughter's name is Milan she's. I have to be very specific about this she's eight and a half, and she is a reflection of my aggression. And I noticed that when she'd get anxiety being around me or she'd get really anxious telling me things about her anxiety would.

[00:13:04] Stemming from my aggression and how I would react to really small things. So I sort of realized that that was due to my upbringing or my childhood when I stayed with my mum and my parents, our parents were already apart at that stage. And all she did was complain and be aggressive in every situation where she would talk about my father. She was extremely aggressive towards it. And also a case of, towards me at all and my schooling and different aspects of my life. She was, it was something that I was supposed to do, you know? Um, I think maybe you've spoken about biting the bullet, but we all, it was very. Tough because she was, she had to be so tough and she did it pretty aggressively.

[00:14:04] Um, the second thing would be communication. 

[00:14:07] SureEyes: [00:14:07] Join us after the ad break. When we continue the conversation. 

[00:14:11]Spudcaster: [00:14:11] Baobulb.org is a podcasting platform and a medium for storytelling. This podcast is also available on all the major podcasting apps, including Apple and Google podcasts, podcast your life with baobulb.org.

[00:14:27] SureEyes: [00:14:27] Welcome back to quintessentially mental the podcast hosted by SureEyes. Okay, wait, but okay. Before we go into the second thing, can we talk a bit about the first thing, or do you want to talk, do you want to kind of cover all three and then get into and then get into it? 

[00:14:41] Dayle Rooskrantz: [00:14:41] Yeah. 

[00:14:41] SureEyes: [00:14:41] Okay, cool. 

[00:14:42] Dayle Rooskrantz: [00:14:42] So the second would be communication.

[00:14:44] I have to be conscious of the way I communicate. My mother is a mute

[00:14:57]SureEyes: [00:14:57] We call her mumbledor

[00:14:59] Dayle Rooskrantz: [00:14:59] that she does not speak about what's going on. Um, and I think it's because she did not feel heard. When she was married and she felt like she just had to get on with it. So she did not communicate within her marriage or with me. Well, I also think it's the generation. She grew up with right. so like.

[00:15:21] SureEyes: [00:15:21] She's to give a bit of context. Our mother just turned 60. And so that age group was very much of the. You know, stiff, upper lip type children are to be seen. And you, you just, you don't talk about things. You just buried them very deep and hope you don't implode, you know? But when you, when you add other things to that mix, like explosion implosion is bound to happen.

[00:15:48] So I think it's more than just, I think getting to a point where, you know, you don't. Express yourself because it's not culturally acceptable. And then being in a relationship where you are silenced, I think has like just exacerbates the situation.

[00:16:05]Dayle Rooskrantz: [00:16:05] I think so you've explained it so well. And so clearly, um, so yeah, I have to be very conscious at on the way I communicate and also pay attention to actually communicating because.

[00:16:22] I can harbour things and then you don't. I know it all sort of, uh, blends and mixes and, you know, the stories we tell ourselves. 

[00:16:36] SureEyes: [00:16:36] Sure. And you can make stories up my sister. 

[00:16:40] Dayle Rooskrantz: [00:16:40] And then it just explodes one day, usually by a very passive trigger that. Shouldn't actually be a trigger, but due to a lack of communication or communicative skills that sort of that result, the third thing I would say is treating people as if they don't have feelings.

[00:17:01] Um, I actually feel sorry for my husband. He is a direct, what's the word? , he bares the brunt, is it directly in impacts him all the time? So, because people are just supposed to be strong, we're just supposed to do what we have to do. Um, forgetting that there's emotion attached to it. So. And those are the three things for me that really stand out.

[00:17:31] Of course there's more, no, but those are three major ones that I'm trying to work on it. It can get a little frustrating because it's feels like you're taking one step forward and four steps backwards. But I think being conscious of it is, is quite important. So, you know, when I would express certain things to my mom, Or to my father, they would just say, well, it is what it is.

[00:17:59] This is the way it is. There was no explanation. There was no context given there was no understanding that I'm also a human being and they treated me as if I'm just supposed to be strong. Like, so I think I treat other people the same way. Like, why are you getting emotional? This is unnecessary. We need to do what we need to do.

[00:18:21] And it's. It makes me very insensitive towards other people.

[00:18:26]SureEyes: [00:18:26] It's, it's so weird that like, while you're talking now, I'm actually realizing I do the same thing. I do also sometimes treat, I guess I have two States, right? I either treat people. Like they should have a more evolved emotional state of being.

[00:18:46] And so like, why are you even like, if you can't rationalize and reason, and, but yet I go, about my feelings and my emotions, and this hurts me, and this is my emotional response. Or I just like, I'm also, I'm so insensitive. And then also to, to people that I'm in a relationship with, it's not, I show more my baby daddy's.

[00:19:12] He's always, like, I show more compassion to like my friends or my family than I do to him. 

[00:19:19] Dayle Rooskrantz: [00:19:19] But this is the conversation that we had earlier. When I was saying that I treat my husband. Like he doesn't have feelings. Like if he, because he struggles with. Alcoholism. And he can get into a state where or if he starts drinking and it makes me anxious and I feel like, you know, he needs to be a certain way.

[00:19:39] That's a certain picture that I envisioned for my family. And if he does not live up to that, I get extremely verbally abusive 

[00:19:48] SureEyes: [00:19:48] that that's so big of you to say 

[00:19:50] Dayle Rooskrantz: [00:19:50] only contributes more to his issue. So. For me, it's like from in my head addiction doesn't exist. Um, but it's an illness, right. You know, it's a mental illness.

[00:20:01] No, I know. I'm completely aware of that. Yeah. Right in that, when I'm in that emotion emotionally immature state or a state where I cannot show any compassion or understanding or empathy in my mind, addiction is not a choice because of that hardness that I grew up with. 

[00:20:20] SureEyes: [00:20:20] You mean, it is a choice? 

[00:20:22] Dayle Rooskrantz: [00:20:22] No, it's not, you cannot choose it.

[00:20:25] SureEyes: [00:20:25] Okay. But you're saying in your I'm confused. So maybe I'm not following you in yours when you get like, not compassionate, you go, you think that it is a choice or that it isn't a choice, 

[00:20:38] Dayle Rooskrantz: [00:20:38] well, it's not a choice. We cannot choose to be addicted to alcohol. We need to get over it. 

[00:20:42] SureEyes: [00:20:42] Oh, I see. Okay. Okay. I see. Okay.

[00:20:45]Dayle Rooskrantz: [00:20:45] Why are you choosing that? 

[00:20:46] SureEyes: [00:20:46] Okay. I understand. I understand. 

[00:20:48] Dayle Rooskrantz: [00:20:48] When you need to deal with it. And move on because that is how I grew up. So it only contributes more my verbal abuse telling him how useless he is or telling him that he's just an alcoholic and I'm not going to deal with this or how he's incapable as a father.

[00:21:07] Obviously he struggled with that internally already because we, I believe that we are aware of our situations and I just break him down even more. 

[00:21:18] SureEyes: [00:21:18] That's really big of you to say 

[00:21:20] Dayle Rooskrantz: [00:21:20] it's the truth. 

[00:21:20] SureEyes: [00:21:20] I feel like I need to go have a conversation with my baby daddy and be like, so I'm more of a Dick than I'm admitting to.

[00:21:31] Dayle Rooskrantz: [00:21:31] These are the conversations that we have over and over again is because it's like a vicious cycle. I struggled with aggression and he struggled with alcoholism and put the two together and it's a fuck up. 

[00:21:43] SureEyes: [00:21:43] Shoo that's hectic. So if, if I, if I think about the three things that you identified as kind of like your, your three main struggles in life stemming from childhood, you're quite affected by your relationship with mommy.

[00:22:00] Dayle Rooskrantz: [00:22:00] I am, 

[00:22:01] SureEyes: [00:22:01] it's weird because I I'm like I'm affected, but I'm more affected by what I saw between. Our parents and then my relationship and then lack of relationship with our father. And that's what I'm saying. I only realized I had the maternal problems later on in life. Yeah. And I think I'm a lot more forgiving towards mommy than I am towards our father.

[00:22:28] Because like you mentioned at the beginning of, um, Our conversation is that you saw more between the two of them . 

[00:22:35] Dayle Rooskrantz: [00:22:35] Yes, 

[00:22:36] SureEyes: [00:22:36] and I think I'll also, I think I've said this to you before. Like I value what she did under the circumstances that she did it. So like it's her job to have mothered us.

[00:22:48] Yeah. That's her job at, you know, or less so now, because we're both