175: Breaking Up with a Best Friend {JUST ASK SERIES} – Tillie Harris

We’re trying something new! My beloved friend and writing partner Tillie Harris joins me in this new JUST ASK series where we’re answering your life questions. Today’s questions are centered around managing, maintaining – and sometimes losing – female friendships.

3 Questions…

1. My best friend and co- worker developed a pretty dark drinking problem. She got divorced and also became involved with a man who treated her terribly. When I showed concern about her drinking, she started lying to me about it. When I was vocal about how her guy was treating her terribly, she became very defensive. We started spending less time together and things became very strained between us. Last year, I ended the friendship. It was taking too much of a toll on me and the negativity, lies, gaslighting and self-sabotaging on her part were draining me. I know it was the right thing, but I still feel guilty. Like, who gives up on a friend? Especially one who is clearly so troubled?  I know I can’t help her, she doesn’t want my help and resents my feelings about wanting better for her. But I miss the times she made me laugh so hard I’d almost pee my pants.  I see her at work and it is awkward. We avoid each other at all costs. I know I did the right thing, so why does it feel uncomfortable?   – BROKE UP WITH MY BEST FRIEND
2. My story is a girlfriends at work story. I work with a team of women. It’s a very difficult work environment in general, and we have always had a pack to stick together – it was the only way we could survive. We would text throughout the day, including evenings weekends. It was a wonderful feeling knowing you were going to work with your friends every day…and that they always had your back. One of the women I was particularly close with. Our boss ended up leaving, and one of the girls decided to go for the position. We all supported her 100%. Midway through the process, the one girl that I was especially close with decided to go for the position. The way she handled it was extremely upsetting and offensive to myself, and the others. In the last several months, things have gone from bad to worse. The woman I was so close with – we haven’t spoken in over 3 months. I have tried to make amends, offer the olive branch, but she will not accept it. How do I do this every day – the grief of losing a good friend, being ignored by her every day, having to see her every day? I’ve been through many breakups but this feels worse…how do you let a friend go? How do you heal your heart when you have to face it every day? I haven’t lost anyone in this way before.  – GIRLFRIENDS AT WORK
3. My question is about maintaining female friendships. I always lose them. My expectations in my mind aren’t high, but perhaps they are for others. I’m a sensitive person so if a friend doesn’t respond to a text, email, or call in a day or two, it hurts. If I take the time to remember a birthday or do a nice gesture like a small gift (1 truffle and a card!?) for something like Mother’s Day, and a friend never thinks of me, it hurts. If I go out with two friends and they chat it up and I’m left kind of watching, that hurts…. point is, as much as I try to roll with things, or just accept things with a lower expectation, I feel unfulfilled and resentful to the point where things go south and end. I long for a “best friend” and perhaps what I long for more is someone to look at me in that way, which has never happened despite my outgoing and open nature, all kinds of interests and ways to connect to others. Is it too much to want a reciprocated investment and connection in friendship? I feel losing friends is a destructive pattern in my life since being devastated by a friend in my young childhood that dumped me for another girl and perhaps haven’t recovered from that rejection. Hope to get some insight on this. I am 45 and it is really hard to form friendships at this stage in life since the majority of people already have their friends and aren’t looking for new ones.        – ALWAYS LOSE

Resources Mentioned

Send Your Questions!

Tillie + Ella in AZ

You can email your questions to JUSTASK at ONAIRWITHELLA dot com (sound it out Your browser does not support the audio element.