EU399: On the Journey with Jenna Hollis

We’re back with another On the Journey episode! We had a wonderful conversation with Living Joyfully Network member Jenna Hollis. Jenna is a mom of four living in Australia. Her sons are 17, 16, 14, and 9, and she shared some of her unschooling journey with us.

Before having children, Jenna was a teacher. Her first son, Jye, pretty much fit the mold of what she was expecting parenting to be like, but it was Jenna’s second son, Haize, who really brought unschooling to the family. When school just wasn’t working out for him, Jenna discovered unschooling and it really spoke to her heart. So much fun and learning have blossomed from that point!

We talked about navigating big transitions as a family, leaning on the support of other unschooling parents in the Living Joyfully Network, especially when fears bubble up, and some of the a-ha moments that Jenna has had along her journey so far. It was a really beautiful discussion and we hope you find it helpful!

THINGS WE MENTION IN THIS EPISODE

We invite you to join us in The Living Joyfully Network, a wonderful online community for parents to connect and engage in candid discussions about living and learning through the lens of unschooling. Come and be part of the conversation!

Sign up to our mailing list on Substack to receive our email newsletters as well as new articles about learning, parenting, and so much more!

Watch the video of our conversation on YouTube.

Follow @pamlaricchia on Instagram and Facebook.

Check out our website, livingjoyfully.ca for more information about navigating relationships and exploring unschooling.

So much of what we talk about on this podcast and in the Living Joyfully Network isn’t actually about unschooling. It’s about life. On The Living Joyfully Podcast, Anna Brown and Pam Laricchia talk about life, relationships, and parenting. You can check out the archive here, or find it in your your favorite podcast player.

EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

ANNA: Hello everyone, I’m Anna Brown from Living Joyfully and I’m joined today by my co-hosts Erika Ellis and Pam Laricchia, as well as our special guest today, Jenna Hollis. Hello to you all. And before we dive in, I want to mention that the Living Joyfully Network is celebrating six years in February.

It has been and continues to be the most amazing space with intentional families from all over the world sharing their journeys. And recently we’ve been hearing some from new members that they were kind of sitting on the fence and not sure about joining, but now they’re loving it and they wish they had joined sooner. So to help people hop off that fence, we are now offering a free trial month.

That way you can see for yourself what a warm inviting space it is, filled with resources and connections. You can learn more about that opportunity in the show notes, or you can also go to livingjoyfully.ca and the link will be on the homepage. 

I am very excited about Jenna joining us today. She has been a longtime member on the Living Joyfully Network, and it has been such a treat sharing in her journey and getting to know her family. Her generous spirit, deep reflections, and ability to articulate her personal journey has sparked so many aha moments for all of us. And I think it’s going to be really fun to share her beauty and insights with our podcast audience. So welcome, Jenna.

And to get us started, I was wondering if you could just tell us a little bit about you and your family, what everybody’s into right now. And we’d love to just hear a bit about your story of coming to Unschooling.

JENNA: Yeah, no problem. First of all, I’m excited to be here. This has been such a big resource in my life. And I just don’t think I would be where I am today without it. It’s just that real life line that keeps me true to this journey, that has not been easy by any means. But what makes it easier is it’s our journey.

And anyway, I’ll jump into talking about my family. I’m married to Leon. He’s my childhood sweetheart, I’ve been with Leon since I was 15. And yeah, we’ve really grown together. You think you get married and you’ve got it all worked out. And it’s like, no, this journey is always under construction. That is for sure. 

So, we’ve got four boys. We’ve got Jye, who will be 18 in April. Haize, who is 16. Blair, 14. And our youngest, Leeton, who will be 10 in a couple of weeks. And that makes up our beautiful, loud, dynamic family. And we are all very different. You kind of think you’ve got it worked out before you even have kids, or I know I definitely did.

I was a teacher before I became a parent. So I had this idea that I just knew exactly what I was walking into. And then we have one child and Jye was that child that kind of fit that idea of what it meant to raise children.

And I’ll talk a little bit about Jye. He, at the moment, he’s right into his football, like absolutely loves his footy. He’s actually living down in Sydney, predominantly with my husband, because we made a big move three and a half hours from where we raised our family over the past sort of 15 years.

And so, he’s down in Sydney, and he’s really getting right into his football. He had an amazing year last year, found an awesome team that was really aligned, the same attitude, they just wanted to just get better and better. And so that’s where a lot of his focus is going this year.

And he’s also doing his electrical trade. He decided to follow in his dad’s footsteps and give that a real go. And he’s really loving that.

And so he’ll be actually going into his third year of his apprenticeship halfway through this year, which is just like, what, how did that happen? How did we get here? But he’s there, he’s really stepping into his own, and living down in Sydney away from us. It wasn’t an easy decision. But it’s been the best decision, because he’s just he has his mates down here, he’s got a girlfriend down here. And he just loves being down here. And at the same time, when he comes up and stays with us, he really enjoys that time too. He gets right into his fishing. So that’s another one of his interests. 

And then moving on to Haize, who is our 16-year-old, and he’s the one who actually brought us to the unschooling pathway. When I had Haize, he was a child that shook up all of my ideas of what it meant to raise children. You know, because he’s just his own, his own little spirit, who literally cannot live outside of what is right for him. 

I feel like Jye is very peripherally aware, very much aware of what pleases other people. And he doesn’t sacrifice himself for that. But he very much is in tune with, okay, how is this person wanting me to do X, what ticks off other people’s boxes, whilst also staying true to himself. And then Haize came along, and he’s just this, he’s just so in tune with who he is and what he wants, you know, the decisions he wants to make at any given moment.

And so we did start in the school system. The school system fit Jye really well. He’s a real people person, loves being around lots of different people, and just fit that system quite well.

But then as Haize was getting older, I was like, I don’t know about how this is going to work. He just runs his own show. Anyway, we gave it a real good go.

And it wasn’t until we got to year two, and he had such an amazing teacher. He had some great friends. But he just wasn’t happy. You could just see that light dimming in him. And I just knew that I had to look for an alternative option. And so we went down the route of a Steiner school as well.

And that was okay to begin with. But then I discovered unschooling, and it just spoke so deeply to my own heart that I just could not, not follow it. And that’s where I really came to understand Haize as a person who like, when something speaks so deeply to you, you can’t not do it.

It’s a bit like once you know something, you can’t unknow it. And it’s like, once you start to tap into making decisions from that place, living in alignment with who you are, you can’t not do it. Anyway, he was the one that brought us here.

As a kid, he was always outside, always playing with bugs, always catching spiders, you know, and he still loves all those things. He loved fishing. But as he’s gotten older, he’s gone through this real cocooning phase. And he’s gotten right into his gaming. And I’ve been sitting back and really watching and aiming to understand that as opposed to judging it, accepting that this was a big part of his life. And it was a really challenging thing for me to do. You know, he’s this kid that was so outdoorsy and so into everything. And then all of a sudden, it changes. And I think we get so many messages about gaming that that doesn’t help.

But once I stripped all of that away, and took the time to actually understand what it was that he was drawn to, it makes total sense. He is that immersive learner, he learns through his whole body, doing whatever it is. And so I was watching him play all these different games, and then seeing how that marries up with the things that he does out in the real world as well.

So, it’s just another way of exploring those interests. Like he loves target shooting, and he loves roleplay. I watch how all of my kids interact with each other. And they just love roleplaying and getting really into the story. My kids have never been the sit there and read a book kind of kid, as much as the teacher in me would have loved that.

They just were not those kinds of kids. But then when you watch your kids in a natural environment, you really come to understand who they are. And you see the threads throughout their whole life.

So that’s Haize, he’s definitely the one that brought us here. And I’m so grateful that he did that and that I was able to undo a lot of my already predetermined thinking. All of which has led me to this place where I have learned a lot about myself.

And so I’ll move on to Blair.  Blair is my 14-year-old. And I am so in awe of the changes that this child has made. He too went to school to begin with, and he was a kid, well even as a baby, he was that real kind of anxious kid who was always watching where I was. He never left my side. You know, I’m going to the shopping centre and always lose things. Turn around. And then I’ve got Blair, who’s always by my side, always clinging to me, just didn’t have that confidence about him. And then he went to school as well, because that’s what we were doing back at that time. And I think he spent every day of kindergarten clinging to the fence, crying. When I think about it, that’s probably the biggest regret that I have is that I persevered through that for the whole year of kindergarten. 

But now looking at him, giving him that environment where he was just free to be himself. He was able to really develop that ground of confidence. Like, you watch him in conversations with people, and he just has this, this confidence in who he is.

There’s none of this, you know, self promoting, like, it’s really hard to describe, but when you watch your kid’s journey, and you see how much they just grow into who they are, it’s really cool to just go, far out, I don’t need to do anything other than provide that environment that really allows them to grow into more of who they are. 

So Blair has gotten back into his basketball. He’s always been my more gaming kid. He’s always been right into his technology, which, in the beginning, I couldn’t really understand, because Leon and I are not tech people whatsoever. But Blair would always have an iPad in his hand, was always into gaming more than anyone else. But as he has grown older, that’s become less and less in his life, and he’s more into his acting, loves to do stage performances, which is something Haize loves to do as well.

We’ve joined this stage production company up where we live now, and the boys have really gravitated towards that. It’s just a really nurturing environment that has allowed them to just step into that confidence. It was probably shaken a little bit with the move, like it was such a big move, which I’ll talk about a little bit later on.

But finding that nurturing environment that allows them to just, again, be who they already are is just so, so pivotal.

Both boys this weekend are actually doing some paintball training. They both really enjoy their paintball training sessions and games and things. And Blair’s actually interested in going back to school this year, so that’s something that we’re in the process of exploring as well. And yeah, I’m excited to see how that journey unfolds for him, however long that goes for. 

And then that brings us to Leeton, my youngest, who I would say has been the luckiest to get sort of the more evolved parent in myself, that’s for sure. You really see that in the conversations that you have with Leeton. He’s just, oh, you cannot not see your own BS behavior, that’s for sure. He really reflects back at you, like he questions you.

He’s like, okay, but mum, you said this, why are you doing this? And it’s just really cool to see this child who is so young, but just has all of these critical thinking that apparently, kids don’t supposedly develop until whatever age it is that the experts decide. And so what I’ve seen with him, because we’ve been on this pathway for pretty much most of his life, is that he’s an active thinker in his own life.

He’s had the opportunities to have a say as opposed to being spoken to. He too is very much interested in going back to school this year and has just started to take an interest in reading, which has been a really interesting journey for me to be on with Leeton, letting go of that whole idea of kids need to learn this skill at the age that most kids in school are expected to learn it. And just allowing him the space to come to it in his own time has been really cool to watch.

He gets excited about picking up a book now to further develop that skill. And I’m like, how many kids actually even get that opportunity to have that excitement for these things? So that’s something that he’s definitely into at the moment.

He’s also loving his basketball. I find that he tends to sort of pick up the things that his older brothers are interested in, which is really cool, right? Because then it brings a shared interest where they’re spending this quality time together over those shared interests. He’s also loved gaming.

That’s becoming a little bit less and less. You can sort of see Leeton going through this stage at the moment where he’s trying to work out where he wants to go next. He’s getting a little bit bored with the gaming aspect of things.

But he absolutely loves it when the boys step into this role playing and they get their Nerf guns and just  muck around. And it’s so cool to see that a 16 and a 14 year old are still doing that sort of role play. I have seen kids let go of that because it’s just, I just feel like we make them grow up way too quick. And so it’s just really cool to see them in that, in that natural environment and just being free to be who they already are.

And then that brings me to myself and Leon, because we also have interests. I think sometimes we forget, hang on a minute, adults also have interests and it’s been really cool. We bought a 50 acre property up on the mid north coast and my husband has always spoken about farm life and has always spoken about how he’s wanted a farm.

Not quite 12 months ago, we ended up purchasing a 50-acre farm, which actually came on the back end of my 14 year old Blair’s interests. He wanted to get into acting. And so that took us further up to the coast and we’d have to stay overnight when they needed to be in this particular location for consecutive days.

And so we’d go stay at a farm-stay and then we ended up finding this area that we really loved. It’s interesting to see how each of our interests are then coming to blend together to become the life that we’re living now. And so going back to my husband, that’s something that’s been a huge interest of his. Seeing him up on his new playground, it’s just, I don’t know, you can tell when someone becomes just light again. And that’s what it’s like when Leon is on the farm and is problem solving, like, where is the water naturally running? How are we going to organize the paddocks? Because we’re going to get cattle and, so it’s really cool to kind of go, yeah, we are all human beings. We all have interests. We’re not just here to work, to generate an income for our family that then dictates our whole life.

Well, that’s what it was for Leon, for sure. It just became all consuming that we kind of forget that we’re more than just that. And so we’ve started to make these decisions that are changing the priorities and that’s what’s led to the big move. I’ll speak more about that a little bit later.

And then finally myself, obviously an interest is definitely unschooling. When I came across the unschooling podcast,  I couldn’t wait until the next episode came out. And I was constantly checking when the next episode was going to come in and now I’m part of the Network and have been for a few years. So it’s a matter of just waiting for the next week. And I wonder what the next weekly focus call is going to be. And I just love it. It really keeps me constantly evolving and moving through those things that could potentially  hold me back.

So, that’s definitely an interest of mine. I also have an interest in interior decorating. We’ve renovated our house down here in Sydney that we’ve got on the market to sell. I loved that process.

We’re going to be doing some Airbnb stays. So I get to zhuzh up the different places that we’ve bought. And I just love that whole thing of working out which pieces will work really well in this room and what kind of feeling it’s going to give to the people who stay here.

So, that’s definitely an interest of mine. And also starting to tap into the potential of writing my own book, which I feel like it has been percolating over the last sort of 10 years and just capturing all of those beautiful golden nuggets, a lot of it comes from being part of the network. But I’m going to stop talking because there’s a lot of people to cover.

PAM: I do just love that. I loved your point about how things weave together and it’s not something you can predict and it’s not something you can set up. But when you’re open and you’re supporting each person as the individual they are and just helping them explore, it is so fascinating just to see where things weave together.

Because it is surprising, I guess maybe just surprising to me, but so many things that feel independent are quite rooted in just being human. And so often there are overlaps that you see and it really just helps bring me back to the like, we’re all humans moving through this world. So yes, that’s the nice thing about that question and about the details because that’s where we have space to see the bigger picture than just, I support this kid and I support that kid, but we’re a family.

That comes together when we support the individuals as well. You are individuals in this family. And when we all do the things that we love, and we’re doing them side by side and connected with one another, they just come together in such fascinating ways.

JENNA: Absolutely. And as someone who is has lived that world of, feeling like I needed to be the one that transformed these children into these upstanding citizens, so to speak, to moving to this place of actually taking a step back, and understanding who they are, and finding those elements, if you will, that allows them to just be more of who they are. What a way easier pathway to parent from. Oh my goodness, when I think about all the things that I used to try to control,  no wonder I was so exhausted all the time.

It’s such a load that we carry as, as mums and as dads, and just feeling like we are responsible for how these people turn out. And it’s just realizing that all they need is just a little bit of love and support. And they find their own way.

And I could not plan this out if I tried. And in fact, the more of a plan that I have for other people, the more I come to the same point where I realize that, oh, that wasn’t for me to plan for. Because that’s not my life. Plan for your own life for sure. But hold those plans really loosely.

 Because these other people are people and they’ve got different ideas on how they move through the world, and what the next step is that they want to take in their life. And by holding that really loosely, you become a lot more flexible and more open to taking in information that you otherwise wouldn’t know.

ERIKA: I just loved that. And it was so fun to hear, Jenna, because I feel like I didn’t know that part of your story about your move to unschooling. So that was fun to hear. And I especially loved accepting each person as their unique individual person, and how much easier it makes parenting when we’re not trying to fit them into these particular boxes.

I loved all of that. Your family has made some big transitions in the past couple of years, which you’ve been alluding to. And so my question is, how has this way of life impacted your choices, and helped you navigate all the ups and downs of those transitions?

JENNA: Yeah, well, like I said, at the beginning of the call, I definitely don’t think we would be where we are today if I hadn’t been on this pathway, that’s for sure. It’s not even hard saying it’s a pathway because it’s not a predetermined pathway.

I feel like a lot of the time we’re seeing all these pathways, this is the pathway to get you here. And really, it’s just this unfolding of your own pathway. And so what being immersed in this kind of way of living has done for me is really opened up my thinking. Where you start to see all of the possibilities, where I would have otherwise seen that there was either this way, or there’s that way.

But there’s so much in between. If we just step outside of the ‘have tos’, I think that’s a big part of transforming, forming those ‘have tos’ into really discovering what the ‘want tos’ are. And I think we also have these ideas. I know you spoke about this in the last podcast, these paradigms, the spectrum of things, of right and wrong and realizing there’s so much in the middle.

And that’s where the juice is. I think sometimes we think that, okay, well, how do we get all of our ‘want tos’ met? Well, if you’re going to get your ‘want to’, then I’m not going to get my ‘want to’. And it’s like, no, it’s realizing that when you come together, and you also open up the conversations for your kids to be part of that, whether it’s them actually talking, or whether it’s them showing you through their actions, what’s important to them. By really taking in all of those pieces, we get to this place where you end up really allowing everyone to live according to their ‘want tos’. So, that was a big thing, shifting from the ‘have tos’ to the ‘want tos’.

Also, with that came the flexible thinking, you know, actually being able to, have a plan, like we had a plan of selling a house, and all moving together up the coast where we bought our three bedroom unit, that was kind of our transitional move. We knew that there needed to be a transitional move that would allow us to start to recreate this new way of living, but also get to know where we wanted to buy that bigger parcel of land where we were going to create our own little farm from. And so, yeah, the plan was that we would sell our home, but our home didn’t sell.

And we’d already bought our unit, and interest rates started to climb. And so we got to this point where we were like, we need to do something, we cannot sustain this. And so this is where we turned to, and it just came to me one weekend, I was like, what if we rent out our house, with the option of the people renting to buy, that was like, okay, this might work, because I don’t know what it’s like over in the US, but in Australia, the market, the housing market, really became very unstable.

And so this is where we moved to this whole idea of, okay, well, let’s rent out our house, we’ll make the move up to the unit. And we’ll just see how that goes. And so without going into too much detail, when I’m talking about flexible thinking, it’s about knowing where you’re heading.

But taking just that small step, and then being able to take in the new information that comes from that small step, to then take the next small step. And that might mean that what you thought was going to unfold may change. And so by having that flexible thinking, you’re able to move with the tides, whether that might be someone’s needs changing as well in the family, because, they might. Just just be open to all of the info, the new information that comes in with taking a new step.

Because if we would have waited for all of our ducks to be all in a line before we took action, we would never take action. It’s just about taking those small steps now, based on what you feel is the right move and then being open to the next lot of information coming in to decide the next step and the next step. So, definitely the flexible thinking has come from being on this unschooling pathway and all of the learning that I have gained from being open in my thinking to adjust those beliefs and those associated behaviors that are driven by those beliefs that may have served me in the past but were not serving me in the here and now. And so being able to look at those and work out, okay, does that stand true with where I am now?

Being able to change that thinking that then creates a whole new bunch of behaviors. So that’s definitely something that this pathway or this way of living has helped. And also being able to even hear your own heart, just hear what your own heart is telling you.

I feel like the life that I used to live was so busy, just busy doing, busy being busy, just constantly doing, doing, doing, doing, doing that you don’t take the time to stop and actually think, is this the kind of life that I want to be living? I remember with the kids being at school, I felt like I was marching soldiers off every day and was like ch-ch-ch-ch-ch. Like, oh my goodness, is this really what I signed up for?

Is this really how I want to be a mum? Where I am controlling these other human beings down this particular pathway that I personally see time and time again? 

I look at a lot of adults who are just living life because they have to, not because they’ve had the time to really work out if this is what they want. And on top of that, then having the courage to follow through. Because it’s one thing to know what you want, but having the courage to actually step into, to step outside of the familiar zone and do something different, it takes a lot of courage and it takes a lot of support that you may not necessarily have already in the environment that you’re in.

Our loved ones and our friends, we all mean well, but if we don’t have the skills of even pure listening, a lot of the time you’ll go to a loved one with a problem that you’re having, and then there’s this whole idea that you’re going to them because you want them to solve your problem. And unless you take the time to really reflect on, well, when you’re sharing something with someone, what do you want in that space? And all you’re wanting is to be heard so that you can find your own solutions.

But a lot of the time, a lot of us haven’t had that model to us first and foremost, or haven’t developed the skills to just be able to sit there and listen and ask the right questions for people to get to their own answers. So I hope that answers the question.

ANNA: Yeah, I think it’s really cool because people can think, oh, unschooling or whatever, it’s very focused on kids and education. But I think that what you said really spoke to how it opens up this whole new world of, hey, how do we feel? What serves us?

Let’s look at this, let’s pivot, let’s figure these different things out. And I think that’s something that’s hard to explain to people until you’re in it, that it just opens up everything. So yeah, I really loved that.

JENNA: Yeah, absolutely. And I feel like in today’s world, particularly, I know in my world,  they talk about kids of today finding it so hard because of social media. And I’m like, yeah, it’s so challenging for adults, too. Because we have all of this information telling us that this is the right way, that’s the right way.

And so we’re constantly bombarded with information. But the only information that really matters is the information that sits within you, no one has lived your experience. And so it’s so important to be able to get back to that space where you’re taking what you’re hearing with a grain of salt, but coming back to what feels true to you and what you’re seeing in your own family, as opposed to taking the information that we’re presented with. Whether it be about gaming, right.

And then we start to fit our situation to that information. And then all of a sudden, we’re coming in and we’re switching the game off and telling our kids to get outside or whatever it is. So, it’s being able to take that information with a grain of salt, but really coming back to the information that matters most. And that’s the information that sits within inside of us. And yeah, and then having the courage to act on that information. It’s not easy by any means, but it’s definitely worth the journey.

PAM: Yeah, I feel that you had mentioned earlier too, that listening piece. When we’re moving through things, because you were talking about big transitions, and to be able to listen to others is quite a skill because so often, especially during big times like that,  we kind of know the general direction that we want to go, so to be able to give that space for listening, I think is just so valuable because we learn so much.

And then we’re able to, like you said, take that next little baby step. Even if we don’t know exactly how we’re going to get to that destination that we have in mind, that direction we want to go, taking that little baby step is just so much more helpful, just because like we’ve listened, we’ve understood what other people’s perspectives are. And then coming together to just choose that next little baby step so that we can learn more. We learn more each time. So I think that’s super interesting. 

You have just been so gracious in sharing your perspective on these things. And I love when you come with aha moments so often in the network as you move through this. But now you were talking about big transitions, and how you like to move through those. I’m curious if you would talk a bit more about how you process through times when older fears bubble up.

You kind of alluded to what I expected to be as a parent, etc. But so often as we come up, we think things are going well, and then something changes, or we notice that, or we hear a voice of what society’s telling us. I find for myself, anyway, that those can spark older fears that I’ve been carrying.

And I didn’t know about it until we’re facing this, this moment. I hadn’t really thought about that before. And then there’s all this stuff bubbling up. So, it’s another whole process to move through that. I was wondering if you would share a little bit of your process. 

JENNA:  Yeah, absolutely. Well, when I think about the Network, this is where it becomes so invaluable. We all have a nervous system. It’s designed to keep us safe. So, for you to create something different, it requires you to step outside of that, we call it the comfort zone, which I don’t think is a very good term for it, because it’s not comfortable. It’s not comfortable, but it’s familiar, right?

And so the moment you try to step outside of that, you get these alarm bells. And as you’re going on the journey, and you’re putting those alarm bells at bay, because you’re starting to take those small steps, and you start to realize that you didn’t die from taking that one small step, your nervous system starts to relax into it. But then you might be having a conversation with a friend who is talking about how they do things, or this expert over here is saying, children need to have x amount of time outside or whatever it is.

And then all of a sudden, that comes in. And then you’re questioning your decisions, your old fears start to bubble. And so by being part of the Network, I’m able to bring those fears.

And we were able to really go deep into them, and start to see it from different perspectives, because it’s realizing that’s all transformation is, it’s being able to shift the perspective that’s creating the fear to seeing it from a different perspective, where you get those aha moments. And then before you know it, you’re still coming up against those messages, but you’re so grounded in your own decisions. Because you see the other perspective, you see that there’s nothing to be afraid of here.

There’s nothing, that it’s all part of the journey. And I actually see it now as an invitation, whenever those things pop up, it’s an invitation just to look at things a little bit more deeply. And so when I get those feelings, which naturally, I’ve had lots of them, continuously stepping out of my familiar zone, and doing things, I guess, a little against the grain from the world that I’ve been brought up in.

And so being able to bring those fears to the Network, and sometimes I’ll find if I’m in the thick of it, I don’t necessarily want to be out, I don’t want to talk about it. But just being able to listen to other people’s shares, it brings on that feeling like, me too, like, I’m not alone in this. Oh, yes.

And then you beautiful ladies with all of your wisdom, and how you do it is just so nurturing, you’re always validating whatever it is that we’re bringing. And then you’re offering your own experiences or experiences that you’ve had with other people who you’ve worked with, to help us get to this place where all of a sudden you sink back into your own reasons for doing things. So, you might have been swept away with someone else’s agenda or whatever the message is. But then you’re brought back into your own reasons for making the choices that you are.

And it just brings you a sense of calm. So, whenever I have a fear coming up, and strangely enough, I’ll have those sorts of things pop up. If I’m going to catch up with people from even my family, I sometimes worry that I’m being judged. And so my brain gets into, okay, well, if someone asked me why Leeton isn’t reading yet, what am I going to say? And so I get myself worked up because I’m thinking I’m getting judged because I have done this horrible thing, where I haven’t forced my child to learn something at a time when someone else wants him to learn it. And so like, how am I going to hold that conversation without trembling.

So I get myself so worked up. It’s funny how our thoughts can kind of spiral. And so what I would typically do before I’m going to a big event, or where I feel like my confidence is shaking a little, I’ll just listen to a podcast, or I’ll jump on and listen to one of the weekly focus calls from the network. And all of a sudden, I just found my grounding again.

And so what that does when I’m interacting with other people, I don’t even get those conversations coming up. Because really, the people that are in our life that may be living differently, they’ve only got concerns, because they’re looking to us. And if we’re not looking like we’re sure of what we’re doing, naturally, they want to help.

And so their form of help is pulling you back to the familiar zone, like come back over to this side, where we all live, and we all grind, and we all live our life by a bunch of have tos, as opposed to want tos. When I’m grounded, I find that then those conversations don’t come out, I’m not questioning myself. So, in answering your question, Pam, when those fears bubble up, it’s just having that space to be able to come and explore those in a really non-judgmental space.

But also to have them validated, which is a skill that I’m still working on. I’m still not that fantastic at it. It’s not that I’m not fantastic at it, it’s something that I’ve really had to work at. And I just think that when people validate you and just appreciate your experience of things, instead of coming in and sharing their experience, and feeling like they have to try and solve your problem, the weight gets lifted off your shoulders and you can find your grounding again. You can become centered, where you’re hearing what next step is right for you.

So yeah, that’s definitely how I deal with those times. I mean, it’d be nice to think that they don’t pop up, but they pop up, but that’s where the juice is, that’s where all the learning is. When things become shaky, and you start to become aware of those things that are ready for you to transform and to liberate you to the next level of being able to move forward in your life.

ERIKA: I love that last bit, because that was just what I was thinking. It still happens to everyone too. Fears coming up again is such a part of life. And so, I love how you described the feeling of just being validated, grounding back into yourself. It just makes such a huge difference.

It makes such a huge difference, even just to hear your fears out loud in front of someone else. There’s something about that processing and putting it into words. Because sometimes it feels so big inside of our brains as we’re ruminating and going over and over these fears. But as soon as we start to try to express them out loud, I think that’s step one of the process of releasing them. And yeah, I love how the Network is that for me, as well, like grounding back into myself.

PAM: I have to point out about validation, because it is a skill. And it is always work. But for me, it eventually gets to a point where, if that’s how somebody’s feeling and seeing a situation, that’s reality. That’s the way it is. So, it’s not like you’re validating something that’s made up or something that’s wild. This other person, this wonderful person in front of you, is feeling that and is seeing things that way. 

So, to be able to meet someone there, I feel like on both sides, it’s just so helpful as a person doing the validating. It’s so helpful to me because that’s the learning. That’s where I’m expanding. It’s like, oh, wow, I couldn’t have even imagined seeing that moment or seeing this thing in this way. That is so interesting to me. Thank you so much for sharing. 

And not to get off on a tangent, but one of the challenging things I think for people is thinking that, if I validate that, especially if they’re having a hard time, it’s like I’m saying that that is also how I’m seeing it. There’s such a difference.

And I think it doesn’t feel as validating if you’re meeting them exactly where they are, like, oh yeah, I see that too. That’s exactly how I see it. Because so often, it’s their unique experience, which is a culmination of who they are in this moment and the context of things going on for them and whatever situation you’re discussing. They’re a unique human being, so they’re going to see it in their unique way. So, to be able to meet them there is just super helpful, but helpful on both ends, I think.

JENNA: Absolutely. And what I found has helped me, because somewhere along the lines, I decided it was my responsibility for everything and everyone. 

Somewhere I decided that I’m responsible for how other people process the world and I need to do something about it. And so what I found with validation, it helped me to detach myself from whatever was going on. So detaching from my husband having a response to something, the more I’m able to validate his experience, the less I felt like I was taking it on.

Because it’s just acknowledging that his experience is his experience. It has actually got nothing to do with me. Like, no offense, Jen, this ain’t to do with you.

Just focus on what’s happening here. And this is something that I get tripped on. I mean, I got tripped up on it last night, even.

And it’s just like, ah, validation, that’s right. And if you just use it, then everyone softens in the situation where then we feel open to be able to go deeper into whatever the issue is and find those magical solutions that allows us all to move forward. So yeah, validation is definitely key.

ANNA: I mean, you know I love validation. So huge. And I think what you both are really touching on is validation isn’t making it about us, right? It’s not getting defensive or making it about our experience. It really is just hearing, reflecting, giving space to that person to be really heard around what’s happening for them. I loved that piece.

Well, we are just so happy to have you here and just really appreciate you sharing these little bits of your journey. Thank you so, so much. And I hope everybody enjoyed the conversation and maybe had their own little a-ha moment or something that’s like, “wait a minute,” for their own journey, because they’re all so, so unique. 

And if you enjoy these kinds of conversations, I really do think you’d love the Living Joyfully Network, because this is the kind of stuff we talk about and dig into all the time. It’s such an amazing group of people. So we invite you to check it out and see if it fits with our free month offer that I mentioned earlier. And you can find the link in the show notes or go to livingjoyfully.ca. and the link is on the homepage. 

Thank you for listening. And thank all of you for being here. It was really, really a fun time, so thank you so much.

JENNA: Thank you for having me. 

PAM: Thank you so much, Jenna. See you soon!

ERIKA: Thank you, Jenna!

ANNA: Bye!

JENNA: Yes. Bye!