BR 21: Saying NO...

Hi everyone! This is Connie Sokol, and you're listening to Balance Redefined Radio. I've spent over 20 years teaching people how to redefine what balance really is, meaning a more purposeful and joyful life.

They’ve paid off credit cards, lost weight, organize their homes, and created a meaningful life plan and they've managed their time, changed habits and experience greater success both at work and at home.

So now I decided to take the plunge and help about 100,000 new people who want to redefine balance in their lives. People ask me all the time, “How do I go from an overwhelming and chaotic life to more purpose and organization and joy?”

That's the reason why I'm doing this podcast, to give you trusted answers and create a space where you could find balance. My name is Connie Sokol and welcome to Balance Redefined Radio…

So happy you're spending more time together with me on these wonderful life principles and practices. We want to help you get your life balance redefined and that's the goal.

So it's a day I'm sharing a little bit more about saying, “No.”

Ever been there ever wanted to say no, but it just couldn't get past your lips because you were so afraid of offending or embarrassing yourself or disappointing someone or something like that.

And so you just hold it inside, but you're still wanting to say that word…

And so what's the best festering and you know, you got to take care of it and you're avoiding and maybe your second down snickers or you're binge watching Netflix, who knows, but you just gotta say, “Nope, Nope,”...

I'm going to help you with that today. All right, so grab a pen and paper or just drive and keep it in your mind as we're talking...

So the first thing to successfully saying no is to have clear in your mind the actual goal or objective that you want. You got to get back to that space of clarity…

Sometimes we want to say no simply because we're just so maxed out and so the first person that comes to us at that maxed out point is going to be the one that gets all the firing shots. No, no, no, no, no. Right? Not gonna happen. That happens to me with my kids…

I know after like 9:00 at night, it's just a “no,” it doesn't matter what it is, just no because I am done. Okay, done...

So consider, what is your ultimate goal or objective? Where is that going to take you? Is it going to get you ahead? Is it going to get you where you want in your ideal life vision?

You know, I talk about praying that life plan and that life vision paragraph is that gonna get you fulfilling that. So that's what you gotta ask yourself because sometimes an initial, oh, I want to say no, it can be a yes…

When we get back to what is important. Now on the flip side, it may just be a note, is it really going to help you get that promotion? Is it really going to help you spend that quality time with your children?

Is it really going to help you lose that 20 pounds? Maybe this extra thing is really a no, so you've got to discern that for yourself.

Will it help me reach my ultimate objectives and remember when I'm talking about objectives, that is that there are connected mind, body, soul, so it's not just on paper, does this look good? It's really that whole soul living.

Is this going to ultimately get me to that place or move me forward in that direction? So consider that I'm gonna.

Share with you a great example that I love of this being clear about what it is you really want in me from your life and what, how it will actually benefit you in that whole soul kind of living. It's from the book. My answer is “No, if that's okay with you.”

I love that it's a Net Gartrell and I think for women especially, we can totally relate to that.

“No, no,” The hard stop, “is that okay. That's what we do. Instead of just owning it and being our bold self, right. Not our bulldozer herself, but our bold self…

So in this book she shares an experience that is shared by Peggy Noonan, who was a presidential speech writer and Wall Street Journal editor, and so peggy was asked by a reputable, very powerful woman to help run her congressional campaign and she's talking to her and he's like, well, I don't know.

And then this powerful woman says, yes, but with your help I can totally win. And Peggy shares for appreciation, but since you know what, I'm a single mother of a little boy and the powerful woman says, well, bring them along.

And Peggy Noonan says, well, that wouldn't be helpful for my son and the power of a woman replies, it's US Congress. I need you. Have you been in that spot?

Someone's giving you that portal but I need you and you can do this and it's so perfect for you and I need what you have and your skill set and you'd be perfect and it'll be just great. So at this point had union rates.

Suddenly I realized she doesn't care about my son. My son is not her agenda. Winning is her agenda, that my agenda is my son. Her agenda is crucial to her. My agenda is crucial to me.

They are not the same agenda. I told her I just couldn't do it and I know I not only disappointed her, but she went from a person who admired me to a person who thought I didn't get the big picture. It took me awhile to realize that doesn't matter.

I have my own big picture. Does that make sense? Great Opportunity...

Great possibilities could go super far, but the reality is there was a hidden opportunity cost, that's what I call it, and there always is one and you've got to know from the beginning just how much you can go on that because once you get in, you're in and there's a cost to get out.

So what is the hidden opportunity cost for pursuing this and that you can find that out...

That comes clear when you go back to your life vision, to your life plan, when you really know what it is you want and you knew it was genius and knowing what she needed and what her son needed because of her son is set and happy and good, she's going to be set and happy and good.

When they're little like that, you got to take care of business and that's a beautiful example of being able to say no and not worrying about you know the fallout and what happens from there.

If you have stayed with your integrity, stayed aligned with your life plan, stay aligned with what your values are, then you can go to bed at night and be happy. It doesn't matter what's said on social media. It doesn't matter what people say around the water cooler.

It doesn't matter because if it's not you, it's someone else. If they're not talking about you today, there'll be talking about you in two weeks...

What matters is that you've made decisions that matter. It makes sense to you and the way that you can live a life of alignment in your integrity, your values, and in what you know matters most to you, so that's the first thing is know if it's going to align with your goals and objectives.

The second thing is to know your specific roles and responsibilities. Sometimes we're going to say, knee jerk, “No,” because it just sounds so overwhelming and then we'll get into distance so bad. It was just these three things I was supposed to do. The flip side can be true.

Also, when we look at some of these sounds like a great idea. Sounds so fabulous, but we get this early in our soul. We think, oh, I wonder if I should say no. That's when you find out more information. Ask questions. Asks specifically, what is my role?

What are my responsibilities, and how do you see me fulfilling those so that you can get a clear idea...

Now, the beauty of this, it's kind of a twofer because if you're wanting to say, “no,” this is how you can help them get to know if you say, what is my role and what are my responsibilities, and they start lifting off list, listing off one, two, three, four, 10, 20, 25, 30, and they start saying all the things that are going to be required.

It makes it so much easier to be on that same page to say, you know what? This is what I'm hearing from you and I can see I'm not a fit for this, but you know who's a good fit for this? Then refer someone else.

That's a great way to do that, so consider as you're going through, listen to those roles and responsibilities, and then as you get that person on the same page, you can clearly show them why you are not a fit for that. Now, if they're adept at being able to blast through objections, then you're going to have to have some on your side.

One of the best things to come back to is it doesn't sit right and myself. This just isn't a good time for me. This doesn't sit right for me right now. I can see where that would work, but right now it doesn't work for me.

Those are great phrases to say because you really can't say anything more after that. When someone says it's just not sitting right, doesn't feel right. This isn't the right time for me.

There really isn't too many other places you can go before you start becoming really annoying on the other side, so consider doing that. As far as being able to say no, find out more about the roles and responsibilities for yourself to further clarify and then also to help them get on the same page and start entering into that.

Bear starting to get this whole concept of actually I don't think you are a fit either and they'll be able to sort of get that buy in on the soft side, so that's a really good way to go about that.

The last thing to do and saying no is we usually get stuck in the feeling of frustration and resentment and then we start blaming or denying or pointing fingers and that's not a professional or a healthy place to be, whether it's with colleagues or with your family or with loved ones so that your family has loved ones, but you know what I meant ends on the day anyway.

So consider, you know, asking yourself a couple of questions when you know it is your role and responsibility. Got It, but that's over. You know, you're over that piece, but you're just wanting to say no from this new opportunity or new role or new responsibility or this new aspect for it.

Then be able to and say, is this something delegate? So the first question you want to ask is, is it mine? This is a great way to say, no. Is it mine? Oh, you know what would love to do that, but that's not my role or responsibility that's actually so-and-sos in this department.

Let me connect you with them...

That is a great way to go about that. Hey, how can I connect you with them? Let me connect you with so and so. Let me introduce you. So ask yourself, is it mine and if it isn't, who's is it?

And pass that baton. That's the third one passed the baton. How do I best pass the baton and do I do it by saying, you know, I'm aware that So-and-so was over this.

Like I said, “How can I introduce you?” or do you say, you know, “What I can get you started?” and then these are the pieces that these other people do or even with your family saying, “Oh, who is this? mine?”

“This is not mine. This is your older brothers,” and then you go to the older brother say,” oh lovely, I love you and this is your piece to do,” and then you follow it up with how can I best pass this baton because maybe that child is giving you that deer in the headlights look, which I get often have.

Even though they've done this for five years, they act like it's all news to them and say something like, “can I help you get started with cleaning out the garage and I help you get started with mowing the lawn?”

“Is there anything that you need to get going?...”

So it starts their brain in a sense have already sort of accepting that this is their responsibility now instead of fighting it, you've kind of broken through and said, yeah, how can I get you started? They got a little helper kind of on the way here so they can get moving and it's kind of that soft side of you're doing it.

It's just years and now you're just offering to help in any way that you can at the start now, be aware of the vortex, the suction vortex of I have now taken over your job while I'm trying to model it.

My kids would do this to me all the time until I finally got wise. Many, many years later that they would say, now how do you do that, mom? How do you clean that sink? And then I would show them and of course the St Louis, so do not buy into that sucked in vortex.

Don't get sucked in to do their job. So you say, “How can I help you start? Oh, you know what, you need to put gas in first and then show them there's the gas can go get it and you can put the gas in. Do not walk over and get the gas camp.”

I found with my boys, especially love them. Organization was not their favorite thing, nor was a clean smelling room. But I digress. So the garage, you know, I teach this stuff, I teach organizational principles.

So finally I got so tired of this, I said we're going to do this differently. So I said, “This morning, the garage needs to be cleaned out. I'm going to teach you a very three step system that will make this so easy.” So I went down the formula that I teach V-E-R-S, and I went down through each of those three steps right down to the angel need labels and a marker.

“When you're done, you're going to put this stuff up on the shelves in those areas with those labels and it will be swell and good luck. Any questions?” No questions. I said, “Great, I'll be back.”

I removed myself from the situation and went and did errands and then came back telling them my full expectation is the garage would be organized in those three steps by the time that I returned and it was amazing. I came back, they had done their sort.

They had done the putting it on the right shelves and they still just had to put on a few labels, but they had done a solid job and I was thrilled and also a little bit sad because I thought, “how long have you known how to do that? And I had been doing it for you.” Right?

That's the end of those days, so hopefully that makes a little bit of sense that you just want to pass the baton, get them started and then they're on their merry way and if not they come back with questions.

Well, yeah, farm them out. You pass that baton to someone else who can better answer that question, right? That's exactly what you do.

So hopefully today you've got a few quick tips on saying no, you understood that you got to figure out your own goals and objectives so that you're clear about that when you do really need to say no, and then what are the roles and responsibilities that are required and is this an add on and what does it look like for that?

And then third, are you the one for the job? Does this need to be delegated? Is this mine?

If not, who's is it? And then how can I best pass that baton a right try one of those today and #gotorganized. #said no. #teamlive #teamreplay. #ConnieSokolgivesgreatawesomeadvice. Yeah, something like that… :)

That would be super. Whatever you do, post something below and let me know what resonated most with you. Would Love, love, love to know that. Then I know if this is a value to you and also if you put it into practice, I should say, when choose one to put into practice, when you do post below, let people know.

Let us celebrate your success and let us know what worked...

Even if it didn't, you're like, “Well, this totally stumped, but guess what? I tweaked it and this totally worked for me.” Love it. Totally. Bring it on. Love to hear these things.

Hey, you can always #balancedredefined because that's what we're doing, so hopefully you got some great stuff today. I want to hear about it. Tell me all about your success and even the things that are not seeming so successful. Post them below and stay tuned for more awesome stuff on how to live your life balance redefined.

You got it. Thanks for listening and remember to rate and subscribe. And if you are feeling the need for real balance in your life, get your free five step life plan, and get started today! Just go to conniesokol.com/download.