Straight Up Defiance: 7 Ways to Stop It.

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ABBREVIATED TRANSCRIPT
Make no mistake. Your kids can be blatantly disrespectful, calling you names you never would have even dreamed of saying to your parents. They can utterly disregard what you’ve asked them to do. You don’t always have to just “understand” their heart. 

Sometimes you need to declare martial law in your home to send the message, “This will not happen in my home.” I very much enjoyed being Dr. No and putting the home in lockdown mode. And you can, too. Just make sure your tone is even, matter-of-fact and serious with no drama. Make sure you are in control of your own emotions. And do not make it personal.

That’s just one of seven different ways to handle defiance I share on this podcast. I like the understated, low-key approach—almost calling a little huddle to share a secret. “I know you just flipped me off in your brain, son. I saw it in your eyes. Just want you to know that never ends well for you. So why don’t you take 5 and try again?”

~ ~ 

My son comes to me with THAT tone. You know that tone and it triggers you! Do I make it about me and react….or problem solve?

“Casey, every time you use that tone of voice with me, it tells me you are anxious, frustrated, or hungry (or tired!). Two options, son. You may continue to talk to me like that—but I know you won’t like the outcome. OR you can grab some chips, I’ll grab some salsa, and I’ll meet you on the deck to help you with whatever’s bothering you.”

I addressed the tone, but I didn’t make it my primary focus. I didn’t get offended, I was the bigger person who knows that outward behavior is merely a manifestation of something else going on inside. 

So I provided insight and wisdom—you’re not being a disrespectful jerk, you’re just overwhelmed or anxious or hungry. And I have the wisdom and tools to teach you HOW to deal with the inevitable disappointments in life.

~ ~ ~

Your kids ARE naturally oppositional and want to do things differently than you do. But that doesn’t make them merely “defiant.” If I had to use one word to describe your kids, it’s FRUSTRATED. You have a very bright, but frustrated, kid who allows his frustration inside to result/manifest outwardly in yelling, refusing, shutting down, hitting/kicking/biting.

So be tough, demonstrate self-respect, and use the scripts in the Stop Defiance & Disrespect CDs. But try to focus on this one goal this week:

WHAT IS THE SOURCE OF MY CHILD’S FRUSTRATION? When you get to the root of their anxiety or understand why they are feeling overwhelmed, you can give them tools to deal with that frustration. THEN you will stop the defiance and power struggles. I bet you're ready for that!