Are You Coddling Your Child? A Surprising Answer

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ABBREVIATED TRANSCRIPT 

Moms often get accused of coddling their children, of being too soft, and letting them get away with things.

I did that. I thought my wife wasn’t “disciplining” (i.e. punishing, giving tough consequences) Casey enough. She was letting him “get away with things” and that sparked my anxiety. How is this kid going to learn how to be successful in the real world if no one is tough on him?

But here’s what I was missing:

- Moms know consequences don’t work with the strong-willed child. If they did, you wouldn’t be reading this or listening to the podcast. Just as in the workplace, employers who aren’t performing well usually aren’t fired immediately—we send them to training so they learn how to be successful. The same goes for our kids—give them tools to succeed instead of constantly punishing them for failing.

- Moms know this is an emotional child. If you come guns blazing into a fight without first de-escalating, then WWIII erupts with outward yelling and defiance. Every time. So she gives them space to calm down a little.

- Moms know this is a child who doesn’t feel good about himself inside. He may say, “I’m a bad kid, no one likes me, I’m dumb, why is everyone always against me?” So piling on right away is counterproductive and will cause your child to internalize his shame and feelings of unworthiness. 

- Mom asks each of the kids dozens of small things to do each day, so she has to prioritize what she focuses on. She can’t do EVERYTHING. And neither can you at the office.

- Mom has the self-awareness to read the moment and know (1) your child is hungry/tired and/or (2) she’s hungry/tired so it’s best to wait to deal with the situation.

- So Mom does the smart thing and gets through the moment. Why? Because she knows she has 15 other, more important things that MUST get done, seen and unseen, just to get to bedtime. That’s a huge weight that Moms tend to bear alone, all while…

- Feeling judged by her husband, her own mother, other super Moms on Instagram, and everyone else on the sidelines pointing out what she’s doing wrong…instead of jumping in and actually helping…
- All while she is coddling someone else…her husband. That’s you. That was me. Why does she coddle you?

- Because you can’t control yourself and need everything just so (especially engineers!), because you can’t control your own emotions JUST LIKE YOUR CHILD you so quickly want to punish.

So your wife has to run around, exhausted and judged and feeling alone, managing the kids’ behavior so that YOU don’t get upset and make it worse. So, in effect, she is coddling you.

You want to give your wife a gift for Mother’s Day? Try this:

(1) Be intentional and set goals for your home like you set them for fitness, finances, and work.

(2) In the next 30 days, I am going to:

- De-escalate one situation per day with my child.

- Learn how to control my temper/anger/disappointment/emotions.

- Lead my child instead of reacting to my child.

- Connect with my strong-willed child because connection breeds cooperation.

THAT IS WHAT YOUR WIFE WANTS.