How Can I Get Through To My Child?

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ABBREVIATED TRANSCRIPT 

How Can I Get Through To My Child? 
Your child is impulsive, hits/throws thing/gets mouthy when he doesn’t get his way, acts out in class to get attention, consistently makes bad choices. Consequences don’t work. A common question is, “How can I get through to this child?” Kirk shows you how to reframe this question so you actually change the behavior without changing the child.

So you have a child who consistently makes bad choices. Doesn’t play well with others, lashes out when things don’t go his way, gets mouthy toward you. He’s a smart kid and knows better.

Exasperated parents on phone consultations always ask, “What can I do to get through to this kid?” Well, lecturing, yelling, and threatening consequences apparently don’t work! So maybe you’re looking at this through a distorted prism. Maybe it’s not really a “behavior issue.”

You still react to your child and yell when he doesn’t do what you ask. Is this a "behavior issue" on your part? What if I threatened you with consequences? “Either you stop yelling and reacting, or you lose your smartphone for the week.” But you are already suffering worse consequences, aren’t you?

A dispirited child who feels awful about himself, your own regrets for not being able to control yourself as you stand over a child and yell. A damaged relationship and still no changed behavior. Then why keep yelling and reacting? You know it’s wrong and you’re experiencing consequences, right? You don’t need consequences. You need tools.

(1) You need to change your perspective. You’re not looking at a kid who just wants to make your life miserable. You’re looking at a kid who feels helpless to change. After all, why would a child continually “choose” to be yelled at and lose all his privileges? 

(2) Instead of being the offended authority figure who takes it personally, you see this as an opportunity to be the confident leader who gives your child wisdom and tools to change. You become the trusted person who says, “When your world is out of control, mine’s not. I can handle you at your worst.”

(3) You need to replace the yelling with a new behavior or routine. You begin to sit when you get upset, because changing your posture changes your tone. You talk to your child like an adult, using an even, matter-of-fact tone. Instead of a defensive reaction from your child, it says you’re in control of yourself.

At the moment, you may yell something like this: "How many times do I have to tell you?! What is it going to take to get through to you that you can't do this anymore?" Instead, let’s do the following:

(4) Use a confident, low key tone that’s short and sweet (like the mob boss I mention in the podcast!). "I heard you yelling at your Mom. That's not happening in my home, son. I know you know that’s wrong and I expect more from you." 

(5) Then lift your child’s sights to achieve a higher goal rather than saying, “Stop doing a or b.” "I know you want to have more grown-up privileges. Well, that means you must demonstrate that you’re more mature by handling situations differently. Yelling at your Mom isn’t working. But I bet I could show you how to handle your frustration/anxiety/disappointment better so you don’t yell at your Mom and lose out on those more grown-up privileges you want.”

(6) Show them how by changing yourself first. This will REALLY change your child’s behavior. This is what ultimately changed my relationship with Casey.

"Casey, I need to apologize to you. You've watched me get frustrated when things don't go my way, and I react by yelling and getting upset. I'm sorry for teaching you that. So I am going to begin working on controlling myself. When I begin to lecture or get upset at you, could you give me a code word so I can catch myself? I bet we can help each other. Because neither of us wants to do this. It’s not right and doesn’t feel good inside.”

When your kids see YOU change, THEY will change. When you begin to own it yourself and model how to handle frustration/disappointment without losing it, you will have shown them how and modeled it for them. That is the greatest lecture.

And you will have broken generational patterns so when your kids grow up, they don’t have to face the same issues you have.