Fights Over Bedtime, Fortnite & Swearing: How to Teach Delayed Gratification

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Q: My son asked if he could play Fortnite in bed after his shower. I calmly said, “No. You can play tomorrow.” He stormed off and said he refused to go to bed. Sometimes he gets mad and says the F word. How should we handle that?

Well, we typically react to this blatant defiance right away. “Fine! No bed, no Fortnite for the rest of the week!” or “You know what? You never listen, you always have to fight me. If you’re not going to be grateful and have this kind of attitude, then maybe you shouldn’t even play Fortnite anymore!” 

That needlessly escalates the situation, ensures a nasty melt down (sometimes accompanied by throwing or destroying things), and ensures he’s NOT going to bed anytime soon (even after you yell, “Go to bed right now!”).

It’s hard to recover from that so you both go to bed feeling angry and resentful, and the next morning it’s awkward again. 

There is a better way WITHOUT GIVING IN or letting him play more…and that enables you to actually TEACH YOUR CHILD SELF-DISCIPLINE. Here are two options.

Your child is disappointed. He didn't get to play Fortnite. Because it's bedtime and I definitely don't want to escalate then, let's give him a few minutes, and some space, to process the disappointment before we say anything. It also gives you space to calm yourself.

(A) Use a low key, even tone, with no drama. "You are allowed to be disappointed and upset. You're allowed to complain. But there are lines you may not cross in my home. One is using the F* word. If you do that, you will choose to forfeit/lose Fortnite and any screens for one week. So refusing to go to bed or using that language? It’s going to hurt you more and it’s not worth it for you.” 

Then you get up, move, invite. “I’d like to show you something I discovered today that’s pretty cool so I’ll be waiting in your bedroom.”

You're not angry. You're just telling him the way life works. You’re inviting him to connect and problem solve. And you’re giving him some space, not just demanding that he “get to bed right now, young man!”

This second response comes courtesy of a couple who said, “We’ve been reacting and yelling for years. After binge listening to your programs on the app, we finally got it! Once we learned to slow ourselves down inside and actually problem solve instead of reacting, we have been able to stop these daily battles.” Kudos to them. 

(B) "I know you're disappointed about not playing Fortnite tonight. I would be as well. But here's what I want you to think about. If you continue to push tonight, you won't get to play Fortnite for three days. BUT if you can show me you're a big guy who can handle this disappointment, then you'll earn extra time to play tomorrow because you’ve shown you can control yourself. Think about that and let me know what you think." Then give him space.

The main objective for me IN THIS MOMENT is NOT getting him to bed. It's to teach him how to:

1) Delay gratification

2) Control his emotions when disappointed

3) Model that YOU can control your emotions when disappointed in your child

4) See that there is a benefit to delaying gratification

Of course, he already knows there are consequences for NOT doing that. But that’s ALL he knows. Consequences.

What he doesn’t know is HOW to control his emotions and deal with disappointment. That’s critical. That’s what I am after. Maybe you haven’t modeled that yourself. Okay, no blame or guilt. But also no excuses. Let’s learn how to model that for your kids. What would it mean in your home if both you and your kids knew how to control your emotions and handle disappointment? We can show you exactly how.