Child Sending Inappropriate Texts, Vaping, Drinking? Use This Script

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ABBREVIATED TRANSCRIPT

It would be natural to freak out if you discovered your childvaping, doing drugs, looking at porn or doing something harmful. Don’t react or put your child on the defensive. Saying “What were you thinking?!” is counterproductive. Consequences are necessary, but they aren’t the ultimate solution.

(1) Normalize it (not making an excuse). "It's normal for kids and even adults to find stuff online that's interesting, exciting, even novel and bad and harmful.”

(2) Discover the root of it. Why is your child seeking these things out? Is your child doing this to fit in, relieve anxiety, stimulate his brain? Is your child bored? Does he struggle to make friends? Is it the stimulation/rush of doing something wrong?

“So I'm curious—what exactly do you like about these sites/vaping? How does it make you feel?”

(3) Identify with your child (if appropriate) and talk one-on-one. You may share with your child how you struggled with certain temptations as a kid or even as an adult. And how you’ve dealt with them. Listen a lot. Nod and understand. 

In situations like these, talk one-on-one. Your kids usually feel teamed up on, like everyone is against them. And they’ll be embarrassed. So one-on-one conversations in the car, while walking the dog, etc. are more constructive.

(4) Come alongside and teach. Protect, don’t punish. This is the point in the podcast when I got really choked up, when I realized that when our kids were toddlers, our instinct was to protect them, not punish them. 

"When you were 3, you explored everything you came upon: spoons, shoe laces, bugs. Now you’re 10/13/17 and you have access to this huge world of good and bad things right in your hand. So it’s normal that you’d be curious.

“My job when you were 3 was to make sure you didn't bump your head too hard or run into the street or fall off something and hurt yourself. Back then, I’d gently lift you up and redirect you to safety. (Notice your instinct then wasn’t to punish your child for being curious).

“So my job now is to help you navigate this new world without getting hurt in other ways..."  

You are your child’s partner whose primary role isn’t to punish, but to protect. It’s not about you being frustrated and angry because he’s making your life more difficult and causing you anxiety. You’re coming alongside to help him navigate his way through life. 

(5) Give a consequence and problem solve together. By all means, impose a severe consequence: take away the phone, the driver’s license, impose a curfew. That’s necessary. It just won’t solve the underlying issue.+

What I most want to do is find constructive ways to meet the internal needs the child was trying to meet by engaging in that activity: building friendships, confidence, a sense of purpose. Stimulating the brain, relieving anxiety. 

Use the Mission & Mentor process to get your child using his gifts and passions to help/serve others (younger kids, animals, seniors). Service projects, starting a business, doing special jobs for teachers/elderly neighbors are all helpful. Give your kids practical tools to relieve their anxiety and form positive friendships.

This is an opportunity to teach your child how to deal with the inevitable struggles of life in healthy ways; to problem solve together; to build a closer relationship in which your child can trust you to help them navigate life.