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Home > Therapist Uncensored Podcast > TU122: Loving & Living with Adult Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) with Ari Tuckman
Podcast: Therapist Uncensored Podcast
Episode:

TU122: Loving & Living with Adult Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) with Ari Tuckman

Category: Motivation
Duration: 00:57:21
Publish Date: 2020-05-19 09:00:00
Description:

When we think of ADHD, we often imagine a restless & figity child who loses focus rather than the grown up parent or partner these kids eventually become. It is a legit neurological condition - yet adults with ADHD or ADD often believe that they are forgetful, lazy, selfish & disorganized. Unfortunately sometimes so do their partners. This episode will help you apprecitate your unique gifts or value your distractable partner. 

In this episode, Dr. Tuckman sheds light on how ADHD can impact our relationships, from conflict to sex, and outlines ways to improve both.

"ADHD doesn’t create new problems, it just exacerbates the universal ones.”

In this episode, co-host Ann Kelley speaks with Ari Tuckman, psychologist, certified sex therapist who specializing in ADHD within relationships.

In relationships, couples often fall into imbalance, over-functioning and under-functioning. You recognize it - the one who manages order and responsibilities (aka "control freak") and the other looking for spontaneity and fun (aka "irresponsible one").

Who is Ari Tuckman?

Ari Tuckman, PsyD, CST is a psychologist and certified sex therapist in private practice specializing in diagnosing and treating children, teens, and adults with ADHD, as well as couples and sex therapy. He has appeared on CNN, National Public Radio, and XM Radio and been quoted in The New York Times, USA Today, The Washington Post, The Boston Globe, USnews.com, The Daily Mail (UK), and many other media outlets.

See his full bio below.

Understanding Adult ADHD – today’s episode

Ari advocates for ADHD awareness so adults and therapists can actively recognize it in others because it does not just affect children.

These children grow up and continue to have ADHD.

The general population of people with ADHD is around 4%, 1 in 25.

But for the people that go to therapy, it’s more than 4% of patients.

Effects of non-diagnosed ADHD can be painful: more anxious, depression, bipolar, marital discord, and substance abuse issues.

If you don’t look for symptoms of ADHD, you can’t find it, which is to the detriment of the client and the therapist.

What can we see in our office, partners, and ourselves to know if we have ADHD?

Not everyone with ADHD has the classic symptoms of being hyperactive. If you were hyperactive as a kid, you are probably not going to see that in adults.

ADHD shows up in adults as inattentive symptoms like time management, disorganization, forgetfulness, procrastination, and misplacing things.

When you have ADHD in your immediate family there’s a 25% chance that you might have it too.

People who have ADHD will see the symptoms show up in many stages of their life - childhood, college, as a young adult. The symptoms can show up in their job, or at home.

ADHD affects school performance, career attainment, lifelong learnings, car accidents, relationship satisfaction - it’s always there and impacts your life interactions.

When it goes undiagnosed it can drastically influence your self-esteem - but when diagnosed you can have a better understanding of your behavior.

Medication can work very well, risk/side effects are very low, not addictive if used appropriately, and can reduce substance abuse problems when addressed first.

Why give a stimulate to someone that would seemingly be “hyperactive?”

The medications act as “brake fluid” so those affected are able to “hit the brakes” more easily before acting.

When adults take ADHD medication, it gives them the ability to limit or be aware of thoughts that deter them from the task at hand. Without the medication, the thought of the task at hand can develop into many thoughts leading to being distracted, possibly forgetting, and then punishing themselves for forgetting. And ultimately leading to negative thoughts, anxiety, or the non-ADHD partner believing the task is being neglected.

The non-ADHD partner can become bothered by this repeated behavior and the partner with ADHD will either become down and depressed and/or angry and reactive when they feel targeted by the non-ADHD partner. Generally, both will happen. Angry and reactive when receiving negative feedback and down and depressed when feeling they can’t do anything right.

People with ADHD are capable of being very focused during specific moments, like when receiving negative feedback, but then they are held to that standard at all times.

The non-ADHD person begins to become angry because they witness the ADHD person focus on some things and not on others. The non-ADHD person begins to be triggered and feels neglected.

ADHD doesn’t create new problems, it just exacerbates the universal ones.

You just need to work a little harder at it just like any “sickness” that comes into your life.

The common solution to the problem between a partner with ADHD and the non-ADHD person: the person undiagnosed just needs to step up! This is not sustainable or realistic

The less obvious solution: The non-ADHD partner also needs to learn to step back, accept uncertainty, learn to manage their own anxiety, and choose their battles. Both partners can negotiate and express expectations but have understanding and compassion.

Ann and Ari provide examples of issues that can arise between a couple of a non-ADHD and a person with ADHD and how they can work as a team to resolve it.

Ari speaks about his book, ADHD After Dark and about the relationship between ADHD and sexual relationships based on his survey of over 4,000 individuals and 72 questions.

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RESOURCES:

Additional resources for this episode:

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Ari Tuckman’s Bio:

Ari Tuckman, PsyD, CST is a psychologist, Certified Sex Therapist, and ADHD expert in private practice in West Chester, PA. His fourth book (ADHD After Dark: Better Sex Life, Better Relationship) helps couples improve their sexual and relationship satisfaction. He has done more than 400 presentations and interviews across America and in nine countries. You can find information about his books, upcoming presentations, and recordings of past presentations at adultADHDbook.com.

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